A Personal Survey for Sexual Healing
Presencing the Past for a Brighter Future

Purpose: Explore how our past is impacting the present to develop greater self awareness and have more freedom and choice in our lives and in our sexual connections. 

Consider inviting friends, lovers, spouses, or family members to take this survey and share the results with them. You can help each other unravel the past to become more present in your life. 

For a downloadable version of this survey which you can use to type your answers directly, click here for a Word version or click here for plain text. 

Part 1 - Family and Childhood

Give a very brief overview of your life growing up. Where were you born and raised? What was your family structure? What beliefs/religion/culture were you raised with? 

What was your mother like? Describe your relationship with your mother while you were growing up. What is it like now?

What was your father like? Describe your relationship with your father while you were growing up. What is it like now?

What were your siblings like (if any)? How was your relationship with them. How is it now?

Describe any other important family members, friends, or adults that had a big impact on you in your childhood. How was your relationship with them. How is it now?

What stories, patterns, or beliefs did you develop around men as a result of your experiences with your father, brothers, or other male figures in your childhood?

What stories or patterns did you develop around women as a result of your experiences with your mother, sisters, or other female figures in your childhood?

How are these stories or beliefs still affecting your life now? Which are working for you? Which are not? What has changed and what has not?

What are the new stories or beliefs you would like to develop to replace the old ones that aren’t working for you? 

What was your social life like throughout your childhood and adolescence?

What were the most significant experiences of your childhood (traumas, tragedies, transformations, peak experiences)? 

Give brief descriptions of the key moments in your childhood where you felt shame. 

What stories, patterns, or beliefs did you develop around these traumas and shame experiences? How are they still affecting your life now. Which are working for you? Which are not? What are the new stories you would like to develop to replace the old ones that aren’t working for you? 

For ideas and inspiration on these exercises, see this short essay: https://www.weboflove.org/g/victim_or_creator_vs

Part 2 - Sex

Give a brief overview of your initial journey into sexuality and relationships. At what age were your first forays into romance and sex? What were these experiences like for you? Include masturbation/self pleasuring. 

Briefly describe of the key moments in your childhood where you felt sexual shame. 

Give a brief history of your important sexual relationships throughout your adult life. Describe the key repeating emotional patterns that have played out between you and your partners.

Briefly describe any significant traumas, heartbreaks, and moments of realization or transformation in your sexual and relationship history.

What stories, patterns, or beliefs did you develop around sexuality as a result of your early experiences with it? How are they still affecting your life now. Which are working for you? Which are not? What are the new stories you would like to develop to replace the old ones that aren’t working for you? 

For ideas and inspiration on this, read a profound essay titled “The Sexual-Spiritual Split” at https://talksex.us/2016/09/sexual-spiritual-split

What do you consider to be the biggest core wounds, limiting beliefs, and defense patterns that developed out of your childhood and adolescence? 

How are these core wounds and emotional/mental/energetic blocks impacting your life now? How do they show up in your romantic relationships, family relationships, friendships, in your work, and in how you treat yourself? What are the new stories you would like to develop to replace the old ones that aren’t working for you? 

For ideas and inspiration on this, read a profound essay titled “Transform Fear Through Core Belief Work” at https://www.wanttoknow.info/coreissue

What strengths and wisdom have you gained as a result of your childhood? 

Briefly describe any other significant or highly impactful life experiences that weren’t mentioned above. 

What do you feel is your purpose in life? What are you here to do?

For ideas and inspiration on this, read a great essay on finding your life purpose and intentions at https://www.weboflove.org/lifepurposeintentions

List spiritual/personal growth modalities or therapies that you have been involved with and how much time you put into them. 

If you could create your life exactly as you want it, what would it look like? What would you be doing, and how would you feel?

On a separate sheet, make two columns. Title the first column “Old stories” and the second column “New stories.” In the first column write a few words describing the key old stories or beliefs from your past that no longer serve you. In the second column, write the new stories or beliefs that will help you have greater freedom and more choice in your life. 

Review this sheet regularly and remember that it takes time to make the shift. Old stories or beliefs are like deep ruts in the road. They do not disappear overnight. It takes discipline and commitment to gradually create new grooves to replace the old. Only when the new groove is deep enough will it become easy to make the healthy choice every time. Yet if you go through with this, have no doubt that one day you will look back and be amazed at the changes you’ve made. Good luck with it!

For more ideas and inspiration on all of this, explore a great online lesson from the Insight Course at https://www.insightcourse.net/lessons/03a_personal_responsibility

Take Action Now!

	•	Talk about the changes you are making with trusted friends and family. Ask them to support you in making this positive shift.
	•	Open to higher guidance and ask for help with this in your dreams before you go to bed at night. 
	•	Explore this webpage filled with great, concrete tips on dealing with the many challenges that can come up when making big shifts in your life. 
	•	Open to the wisdom of a great online lesson titled “Sacred Sexuality” on this webpage. A list at the end of the lesson provides more excellent resources on the topic.
	•	Consider inviting a small group of trusted friends to form a regular discussion group where you support each other in creating sexual healing and transformation. Explore together how we can all support each other in having more vibrant and passionate lives that enhance all of our relationships.

Written by the founder of this website

Tips for Transformation

Unconditional love: Very few of us had even one parent who loved us unconditionally. More often than not, we had to be someone our parents wanted us to be or we had to do what they wanted us to do to earn their love. So it is up to us as adults to find ways to love ourselves unconditionally. We can choose to love ourselves, warts and all. 

Transference: Notice if your relationship with dad and/or brothers has had an impact on your view of men and the masculine, and if your relationship with your mom/sisters has impacted your view of women and the feminine. If there are unhealthy stories or patterns there, create and reinforce new ones that will help create healthier relationships. 

Consider that metaphorically, dad can represent God, and mom can represent the universe or the Earth. Notice if your relationship with your dad has any similarities to your relationship with God. Notice if you relationship with mom has any similarities to your relationship with the universe or the Earth. Is there any part of this you’d like to change? 

Parts Work

Each of us has a wide range of parts, aspects, or voices inside of us. Sometimes these voices can be in direct conflict. For example when thinking about doing exercise for health, you may have a voice of wisdom which says, yes, exercise is good for you. Just do it! Another part or voice which values ease and relaxation or is just plain lazy might be saying no need to exercise now. You can always do it tomorrow. This is but one example of many of how parts inside you can be in conflict. 

By recognizing, honoring, and giving voice to the many and sometimes conflicting parts within ourselves, we can develop an observer part which can then act as referee or coach to the various parts. This observer self can invite all parts to the table and give each one the opportunity to fully express itself. Some people find it useful to name the various parts. When you find yourself in inner turmoil or conflict, invite the observer self to step forward and help all parts of yourself to be fully heard and acknowledged. This can often help to release the tension and find a way to greater inner harmony. 

For a great example of how this can work, read about one man’s struggle with sexuality and how he worked with his monk self and horny self to resolve this at https://talksex.us/sexuality-confusion-breakthrough 

Dealing with Triggers

When you notice you are triggered, here’s a secret formula for transformation: Stop! Breathe. Shake/move/sound. Remember. Connect. Choose from the heart. 

Stop! When you find yourself triggered, the vital first step is to just stop! Disengage from your partner or whatever is going on. This is the hardest, yet most important step. No matter how right you are, or no matter how caught up you are in the drama, just stop!

Breathe: After stopping, take a moment to just close your eyes and breathe. Slow, deep, full breaths. Focus on the air coming into your lungs on the in breathe and then leaving your lungs on the out breath.

Shake and sound. Next shake your body. You may want or need to separate yourself from the situation by leaving the room or going outside. If appropriate for wherever you are jump up and down. Let yourself vent any anger or frustration. Shout into a pillow or even cover your mouth and scream if you need to. Our bodies go into fight or flight when we are triggered, so this sound and movement is vital to releasing the pent up energy. Imagine that you are a balloon releasing all of the pent up emotion and tension. See below for more on venting. 

Remember: Once the tension has been released from your balloon, come back to stillness. If it feels right put your hands over the center of your chest. Remember the amazing, beautiful being you are in your core. Remember that no matter what is going on, in our heart of hearts, we all just want to love and be loved. Remember the really big picture of life on Earth being about learning, growing, and expanded our capacity to give and receive love.

Connect: Once you’ve remembered the bigger picture, connect. First connect with yourself, with your own deeper and higher self. Then open to connecting energetically with your spiritual guidance, and finally with whoever or whatever you were being challenged by. Feel your intention to invite deeper love and compassion with those involved. 

Choose from the heart: Once you’ve moved through these steps (which can take minutes or hours), choose from your heart what is next. Be gentle and loving with yourself. Be gentle and loving with those involved. If there is no clear direction, admit to yourself and those involved that you are stuck and don’t know what to do, but let them know you want to be a stand for love and compassion. 

The more you get used to following these steps, the easier it will become to move through triggers when they come up in your life. Give it a try and watch the magic unfold. And if you fail, don’t be hard on yourself. Make a commitment to improve the next time. 

Venting: Finding appropriate ways to vent anger, frustration, or other pent up feelings is a powerful, if not necessary means to develop greater emotional and spiritual health. It’s important to have the clear intention while venting of releasing pent up energy and not deepening the strife. Focus not on any person, people, or situation and instead vent to the universe. 

If you don’t have a large cache of pent up feelings, this will likely feel very liberating. If you do have bottled up emotions, this may feel scary. You might fear that you’ll explode and lose control if you allow all those feelings to come out. Use your own discernment and ask for higher guidance, but also be courageous and trust that done in the right way, this can lead to profound transformation. It may mean finding the right place to vent, possibly with a trusted friend who can hold space for you and keep you safe.